We’re Playing Chess, Not Checkers
It’s the middle of the day and your phone lights up. One message from your partner and your mind is off-planet. It could be an instruction, or a reminder of what’s waiting for you at home.
There will be nothing sexual happening, yet the dynamic will be fully engaged. We are playing chess here, not checkers. While kinks are inherently sexual, there are non-sexual ways to build anticipation and trust. Trust allows the exchange of power. Once you understand this, the giving or taking of control can become quite powerful. You will soon discover which role drains your energy and which role gives you energy.
The Psychology of Power Exchange
Power can flow in many directions within a dynamic. The act of giving or receiving control can be very intense. You’ll realize quickly which of these roles takes energy and which recharges your battery. For some, the ability to give up control can free a lot of space, or perhaps it makes the mind go quiet. Maybe it’s the first time all day you’ve been able to focus. For others, taking control and leading the way is a source that builds confidence.
Once you and your partner(s) recognize the complimentary spaces you each fit into, you can begin to stretch these dynamics and see where they can go.
Dominance and Submission Beyond Sex
When a partner is giving up control they lean towards the submissive side. For many submissives, subs for short, life can be a lot to manage. From “where do you want to eat tonight,” to keeping up with bills, errands, and a social calendar things start to pile up. As a partner takes over that control they lean towards the dominant side. Dominants, or Dom(mes), get a rush from being able to steer the ship. Within this space is an equal and opposite need for structure.
What happens when structure becomes part of the dynamic itself? Explore this space with your partner, see where you can support each other. Maybe there are some rules worth considering or tasks to have in place. When control is agreed upon, these can be explored and delegated.
Trust, Consent and Boundaries in Kink
Before getting into a new dynamic there’s a saying in the kink community, “Safe. Sane. Consensual.” No matter what direction or how far into BDSM you want to explore, a dynamic must have all three of these things at the forefront. Remember what’s sane to you may be less sane to someone else, but it’s always worth discussing.
When you’re evaluating a new dynamic there is essentially a vetting process happening on both sides. A sub is trying to determine if this partner can be trusted to guide their journey. Similarly, a dom is trying to determine how the sub reacts to relinquishing power. Does the sub play with power? Does the sub simply relinquish all power?
One thing that’s essential in evaluating a new dynamic is negotiating limits. There is a particular type of vulnerability in this space. Therefore it is vital to be honest regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. You’ll see that you have limits that are more flexible than others, these are referred to as soft limits. As your limits evolve throughout time it’s vital that you keep your partner(s) informed of these changes.
Safewords and Aftercare
Safewords and check-ins are essential. Some dynamics are more covert with their check-ins even evolving gestures and signals. For new dynamics a traffic light system is commonly used; green is good, yellow may require some reevaluation, red is a big stop sign. Other dynamics bypass the lights for a more highway approach using safewords.
A safeword should be easy enough to remember in times of turbulence, but noticeable enough to not get mixed in with sweet (or dirty) talk. For those subs who go nonverbal – because sounding like Darth Vader through a ball-gag is enough to break any scene – it can be helpful to have a safe gesture. Three taps, three blinks, allowing Doms to be aware of nonverbal communication during scenes.
Exploring power dynamics can be exhausting. It’s hard to realize when you’re tied up but your heart is pumping, blood is flowing, and so is adrenaline. Coming back down looks different for everyone. Some need to feel physical touch, others need water and a snack, maybe both. Next time you play, pay close attention to your body after and what it needs. Communicating these things enriches the bond and validates the roles you each commit to.
Engaging in power-based dynamics can exhaust individuals physically and emotionally. It can be challenging for individuals to recognize when they are “tied-up,” however their bodies are pounding with excitement, blood is rushing through their veins and adrenaline is surging through their bodies.
Returning to a baseline state differs among individuals. Some may require physical touch or need access to water and snacks prior to returning to a normal state. Be sure to observe your own body after engaging in a power-based dynamic and note what your body requires. Communicating these aspects enhance the relationship/bond created and validate the roles assigned to each partner.