A conversation with Dr. Val, clinical sexologist and Director of Education for Bliss Cruise.
Dr. Val grew up in a Black Baptist church, where the message about sex was short and non negotiable. Good girls waited.
She went back to school in her forties. Today she is a clinical sexologist, a sex and emotional management coach and the Director of Education for Bliss Cruise, where she is building Bliss Wellness into the education and health program behind everything we do on and off the ship.
We asked her nine questions. How she got here. What she got wrong about this community before she knew it. What she wishes every couple would do this week. She answered all of them without flinching, which is roughly what we expected.
1. Nobody grows up planning to become a sexologist. What was the moment you knew this was the work you wanted to do?
Perhaps some people grow up knowing they wanted to be a sexologist- that definitely wasn’t me. I grew up in a Black Baptist church where the message was pretty simple: good girls don’t have sex until marriage. So trust me, becoming a sexologist was nowhere on my career list.
One day, I walked in on an inappropriate sexual situation involving an autistic young adult. And it scared me. Not because I was afraid of him. What scared me was realizing where his life could go if someone didn’t step in and help him understand what was appropriate, what consent meant, and how to navigate his own sexuality.
I remember thinking, he is going to end up in the system. There were very few resources for young adults on the spectrum around sexuality, relationships, boundaries, consent, intimacy, or even something as fundamental as learning how to have a healthy relationship. So, in my 40s, I went back to school.
I discovered there was a whole population that was being underserved, and I became determined to do something about it. I opened a center for young adults with special needs and developed a sexual health program to address some of the very issues that originally brought me into this field.
I guess you could say, this career found me.
2. For anyone who has not met one before, what does a clinical sexologist actually do, and how is your training different from a therapist’s?
I would say it’s training and specialization. A clinical sexologist specializes specifically in concentrating on human sexuality -how biology, psychology, relationships, culture, trauma, medications, hormones, and life experiences influence a person’s sexual wellbeing. Whereby a therapist is typically trained in mental health concerns, behavior patterns, trauma, family and relationships issues. Some therapists pursue additional sexuality comprehensive training.
3. You could practice anywhere. What made a cruise ship the right place to build something?
When I was approached about a partnership with Bliss roughly 2 years ago, we wanted to go in a new and exciting direction. I wanted to create something beyond the traditional seminar where you sit, listen to someone speak for an hour, and then go home. Sexuality is experiential. I’m not aware of anywhere else in the United States offering sexual education on this scale in a fun cruise ship atmosphere. On Bliss, we create a safe, structured environment where couples can actually experience and practice what they’re learning together.
The second reason was our passengers. Bliss attracts incredibly open-minded people. They’re curious and want to explore. As an educator, we’re giving tools to have healthier, more intimate relationships and we get to make the learning fun by providing diverse world class educators.
4. As Director of Education for Bliss, what role do you think education plays in a guest’s experience on a Bliss Cruise?
Our guests are open minded couples with a desire to play and learn. I always say, “you don’t have good sex education until you become a lifestyler.” We are living longer; couples want to have better sex and our education platform considers all those dynamics as we construct workshops and seminars based on life experiences taught by curated world class instructors.
5. What did you believe about the lifestyle community before you started working closely with it that turned out to be wrong?
This was a male dominated fantasy experience and women were just there to please their partner’s fantasy. In my experience it’s the complete opposite. It’s the female that leads in this sexual dynamic.
6. What is the most common thing couples believe about sex that simply is not true?
Keeping secrets about your desires will shield you from your partner and protect you from shame and guilt. The fear of being judged for what we desire. Great sex begins before you ever get into the bedroom. It begins when you can say to your partner, “This is what turns me on. This is what I fantasize about,” and know you can have that conversation without shame or guilt. You don’t have to act on every fantasy. But you should be able to talk about it.
7. If a couple did one thing this week, no purchase and no appointment required, what would move the needle most?
Once a week do a check-in… Once a week, ask each other a really simple question: “What are three things I did this week that made you feel special?” I actually do this in my own relationship now. My life changed tremendously after my husband passed, and this little ritual has become something I really look forward to.
8. For a couple who is curious about a Bliss Cruise but nervous about it, what do you want them to understand before they book?
First, have an open mind. Secondly, no one is going to touch you without consent and lastly, manage your expectations with honesty, not with guilt or shame. Have a conversation about what you as a couple/individual want from the Bliss experience.
9. Without spilling any secrets, what is the most exciting thing you can tease about what’s to come for Bliss Wellness?
I’d say the most exciting thing is that Bliss Wellness is becoming much bigger than what happens onboard the ship. We’re creating something that brings sexual wellness, education, intimacy, technology, and experiences together in one place -and allows that connection to continue long after the cruise is over. I can’t give away too much yet, but I can say this: we’re not just adding wellness to Bliss. We’re building something I don’t believe exists anywhere else.